There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
My boob is missing a layer of skin
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
