i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
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