Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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