My room smells like vodka and shame
please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Randomize
