My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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