So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
