Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
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