Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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