Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
