Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
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