Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
I look excited, but its just a facade.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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