It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
