I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
dizzyuy bat. 3.453 lkos. hoit sx, now im single. blackouteed
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
