Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
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