i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
Randomize
