my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
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