life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Randomize
