the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Randomize
