What would a frattoo be? Maybe like the Chinese symbol for Keystone Light.
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
