So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize