Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Randomize
