i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
