I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
