Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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