8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
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