please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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