I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Randomize
