i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
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