Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
It's like God shit irony all over that family
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
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