I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
Randomize
