im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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