drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
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