dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Randomize
