I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
Randomize
