my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Randomize
