Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
