If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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