So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
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