you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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