Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
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