Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
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