Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
why do cheetos always look like penises
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Randomize
