there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
