trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
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