1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
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