I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
he laminated a picture of his dick.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
