happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
Randomize