i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
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