there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
Randomize
