He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Randomize
