wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
