you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
No. You are not the Kate in this relationship. I will do what I want.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Randomize