Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
