Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
