you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
Randomize
