why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
Randomize
